Excuse Me.

I just went up and weighed myself. I'm soo close to being 110 again. I don't know how I'm still this close after today's fuck-up. And today's still not over. Ugh! I'll do better tomorrow, I swear.

I don't even like candy in my ice cream!

So, I was determined today. I woke up knowing that it'd be a hard day, but I also told myself I could handle it. I was soo drained of energy by midmorning, so I had a 50 cal yogurt and a spoon of strawberry jelly. Not bad at all.
After that, we walked the mall for a while and I nibbled on some of my friend's pizza. Still not so bad, it wasn't more than a bite. I don't get upset with myself for a measly bite. By my standards, I was still doing good.

But.
But..
But then came the ice cream.
I spent all day yesterday online looking at the calories for everything. I decided I had a pretty good range of choices if I stuck to the low cal options. Thankfully, because when I got there I hardly looked at anything but the low cal choices. I just couldn't decide! So many choices. *Excited dance* I wanted it all, but not really. I just couldn't decide which I wanted more. I almost talked myself into the medium size *collective gasp* but thankfully I realized how stupid that was! I got the smallest size, a total of 190 calories. Let's round that to 200.

So I figured, still not bad. Then I had to ruin it by adding chocolate shavings! I originally was just going to add chocolate sprinkles for only 25 cals. Instead, I had to get the chocolate shavings for 90, rounded to 100! That's like a million! AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CANDY IN MY ICE CREAM!

But no, no it doesn't stop there. My friend got the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection, medium size, and couldn't finish it. She gave what she couldn't eat to me. It was a lot, but not a whole lot, so I guessed it was about 200 cals and forced myself to eat it. There was nothing else to do with it! God, I can't believe I'm even making up excuses. Anyway, I just looked it up and the amount she gave me was almost 900 cals.

WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN MAKE SOMETHING WORTH 900 CALS? What's the point in that?!

So, after this long string of good days, I end up with more than 1000 calories today. I haven't eaten more than 1000 calories in one day in forever.

Please excuse me while I go kill myself.
(Don't take that seriously, please.)

Time to be proud.

Okay, so I've been doing absolutely amazing lately!

I don't remember where I left off, but the past three days have been wonderful. I haven't even had to work very hard, really, because I just haven't been in the mood to eat. It just hasn't been appealing at all. That's helpful, right? Haha.

Anyway, today seems like it'll be just as easy. We'll be out and about again today, which means we'll stop for something to eat. But we don't have much money, so it'll be Subway. Subway's high in calories, but if I can get them to let me have a soup instead of a sandwich I'll be okay. They have pretty low calorie soups. And I think I'll even be okay if I get a sandwich, if I don't eat anything else all day.

And then tomorrow, I'm going with some girlfriends to the mall. I got a Coldstone ice cream gift certificate for Christmas, so I'm going to treat them all. I'm not going to eat much besides that, hopefully. I hope this mood doesn't end before then, because right now I'm thinking a Like It size (the smallest size) will be more than enough, but if this mood passes then I know I'll be talking myself into the biggest size they have.

My dad's been freaking out on me about food lately. Not completely, but dropping hints. I've always had a problem with my stomach, so I just use that as an excuse. But I think that excuse may be wearing off...I don't know.

And haha, don't you find it amusing when people give an anorexic chocolate as a present? I laugh at that.

Obey or be punished?

The Ten Commandments:


1.) If you aren't thin, then you aren't attractive.
2.) Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3.) You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to
make yourself look thinner.
4.) Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5.) Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterward.
6.) Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7.) What the scale says is the most important thing.
8.) Losing weight is good; gaining weight is bad.
9.) You can never be too thin.
10.) Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Random Thought.

I can't help but laugh when someone complains that they're "starving". Isn't it ironic that while they whine about it, I'm the one who's really starving, and I'm loving it?

Boring.

Ehh I don't really feel like posting much right now. So I won't, haha.

Walked around a lot today from shopping. In the car, I bounced my legs because I might as well burn some calories while I'm doing nothing, right?

Went to a barbeque place for lunch, but only ate some potato salad and a slice of bread and a tiny bit of meat. Also had a 120 cal cookie.

I've no idea how much that comes to, but I'm not unhappy, so it's good.

I got two size-1 jeans, one fits almost perfectly and one is tight. Thinspo jeans are my favorite kind of jeans! I hope I'll fit into them by umm I don't know, just soon haha.

Because of stupidity

Survived with only a handful of chips and dip.

Bad, I know, but better than what could've happened!

I went a lonngg time without, but the moment I decided I'd get up and allow myself *one* cracker...all was lost. :(

Still, I'll be walking a lot tomorrow around the mall and other places, and avoiding food. Also, I've worked out a lot lately :D so maybe that'll help. And I've opened all the windows in my room for a while, so when I sleep today I'll be burning extra calories from the cold. That's a plus.

Hmm, weirdest thing. I've never been one to make myself sick after eating. But today, after a bit of chips and dip, my first thought was to try. I did for a while, but remembered all the guests downstairs and thought better of it. I don't really know what I'm doing in that area, so I'd have more of a chance at getting caught, you know? I think I'll stick to not eating, thanks.

The Thought of Christmas Makes Me Shake.

It's 4:17 and I've only eaten a cookie. The family is bringing food around five. I just have to hang on until then, and when that time comes, I have to keep images of what I am and what I want in my head. If I let myself give in, I'll hate myself forever. There's no longer any room for the tiniest mess-up. I refuse to be 120 again, and I'm too close to it. I don't want to fail any more.

Pep talks rarely ever work.
Maybe this time it will, since I've been pep-talking since three.

SHIT, they're here, the food is here.

Baby, You're All I Need.

Yesterday was all right. I don't know for sure how many calories I had, but I didn't eat much.

I'm slowly making my way back down to 110. The little needle on the scale was right in between 110 and 115 this morning. I'm scared to eat, for fear that it will shoot right back up. I'm not going to eat until 3:30, and even then only if I have to. That's three hours, and I'm already hungry, so I'll probably end up eating a 50 cal yogurt...50 cals isn't that bad. And then at six I'll eat another.

R and I have been talking. Last night, he apologized profusely for his stupidity, and admitted he wanted me back. We established that life's hell without each other, but nothing really came of it. I'm hoping we'll talk again today, and something will actually happen.

A lot of people I know are going to be upset when I take him back, but I don't really care. I know how he is, they don't. He gets all twisted up inside his own head if he has to deal with himself for too long. His mind is scary to him. Sometimes all he needs is time to cool off. I know he has his ups and his downs, and he deserves to have someone that's willing to stay a steady pace for him, and I don't know anyone better for that job than me.

...

Anyway, back on subject. Christmas is scary. I don't want it to make me go backwards. Apparently this year we're not going to have a whole big meal with a lot of main dishes, we're just going to have a bunch of snack food. That could be a good thing, if I can control myself.

Lovely Nylon Ladies.

A handful of models from the Nylon magazine's site, as promised. I have over 60 pictures saved to my disc thingy, but I'll only pester you with a small collection of my favorites.

Dear me.

Well, I've heard that reverse psychology works, and this site seems to be just that.

http://www.xylia.org/page7.htm

Also, while I was at my friend's house the other day, I flipped through some of her Nylon magazines. I was amazed by how many thinspiration pictures I found inside. I'm going to try to get a subscription to Nylon. I've been on their site looking at pictures, and like I said, there are soo many helpful things. I'll make a whole post full of Nylon ladies tomorrow.

I'm hiding my face in shame once again.

I have totaly, completely screwed up.

I went on a freakin' week-long binge. For a fucking week, I ate "normal". Everything that went into my mouth was accompanied by the thought, "Maybe I just wasn't meant to be skinny. Who cares?" or something to that point.

I'm thinking it has to do with the drastic changes in my life. Whenever something big happens to me, my eating habits change. They'll be E.D., then something will happen and they'll be normal,

then something happens and they're E.D. again.

Either way, my mantra has always been "Every mistake can be fixed." I plan on sticking to that, especially this time. I somehow only went up to 115, which is about 8 lbs. Eight pounds in a week! Anyway, it's a lot better than 120.

I can't believe I let myself go again. I've never been closer than I was a few weeks ago. I got down to 107! I was thin! I didn't totally hate the mirror. I still hated it, but less. My pair of thinspiration jeans fit! Now? Not so much. Not at all, actually. Some of my actual jeans don't fit, either. I'm so ashamed.

So for the past two days I've been struggling to quiet down the fat girl inside of me. I woke up today and looked skinny, then had some chips and was back to being bloated. (I've been bloated since the first day I decided to fuck everything up.) The suckiest part is, Christmas is soon. I only have four days until Christmas, and Christmas equals food. A lot of food, and a lot of family.

I would say that I'm going to try to fast for all four days, because I used to be able to do that, but I know my body and I know this wouldn't be a very good time to do that. I think I'm just going to try to stay under 300 calories. It's going to be difficult.

I could really use someone to lean on. I haven't got a single person to talk to. I have this blog..but telling about things is different than being helped through them. I can't wait to get texting so that I can have an ana texting buddy. I should have texting soon.

On Christmas, my cousin will be coming down. That's good and bad. She's super, super thin-size one jeans are baggy on her. I hate being near her because I start hating myself. She's winning the battle against food and fat, while I'm losing. I get self-conscious around her. But seeing her is inspiration. And I know that she's thin because of the same reasons I am. Her mother is always talking about how she doesn't eat. This year, though, she's pregnant and eating everything in sight-she was still thin on Thanksgiving (she was preggo then, too), but it's been a while since then...will I finally be thinner than her? I don't have a chance.

The thinspiration today is real people.

Finally, My Love.

Today has been a very relaxed day so far. I had an apple and a bit of lasagna for lunch. I don't really know why. Then I had a bit of frosting earlier. I'm not gonna eat any more today, unless I have to. I'm not upset with myself, though. I'm too upset with R to be upset with myself, too. He made today living hell for me without even realizing he was doing it.

Also, I have a doctor's appointment sometime in the future, I don't remember if it's today or not. I think it is...anyway, last time I went to the doctor I weighed 118, and now the scale is saying 107 (yes, under 110 omg happy!), so I don't want to alarm them too much. That doesn't mean that I'm going to eat myself up to 110 again, just that I don't wanna be much lower when the appointment comes.

So, tomorrow, there's this big party. I was originally planning on having a 140 cal. sandwich beforehand and nothing during, but I'm positive they'll have cookies and expectant eyes. That's gonna force me to skip all food before and after. I'll have one or two cookies and some punch, and try to dance it off. It won't be the same without R, though, for sure.

Thinspiration:

More latttterrr.

-----------------------

So, I've eaten a little more. Only about 60 cal.s though. Doesn't matter what it was. I'm still not upset with myself. All that's on my mind is R, and hoping he gets home soon so he can message me....if he even will. Haha, I bet I've lost a couple pounds of tears for him.

But oh! I got the scale to go down. 107 baby! You can even tell I'm lower than 110 on my Guess-Where-The-Pointer-Is-Pointing! scale. I'm soo happy! I'm just kind of scared of the doctor...but the whole reason I'm going in is because they think I have some kind of stomach issues. I can just say that I've felt like I'd puke anything I ate up, they'll believe that. I think that's not until Tuesday, though, and I don't want to put off losing weight for that long! I'll just keep going, but slower. Hopefully nothing bad happens.

I'm super excited about my new low weight!

The pain is your friend, Love.

I ate about 200 calories today :D and burned a lotttt because we went shopping for four hours in the freezing cold. I found 50 cal yogurt! And I stocked up on fruits. I also got a lot of low calorie foods for when I absolutely have to put something in my system. Oh, oh, oh! And some flavored water- as in pop taste with zero calories. Gotta love it. This is giving me a positive outlook on days to come :D
When we got home, I was all excited to try some of our fruits and low cal stuff but right as I was about to open a yogurt, I caught a glimpse at the clock-9:20. Wayy past 8, and even if it's only 50 cals, I don't wanna risk it, do I? Nope. So, tomorrow, if I'm hungry I'll have that for dinner. Oh boy!
I had a lot of guys check me out today. I felt pretty amazing. I don't want that to stop, I want to be the thin pretty girl forever. I mean, it would deffinately be easier to be normal-eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and just buy bigger sized jeans. Right? Well, I'm not a normal person. My mind is not normal, it's plagued. So why not take advantage of this plagued mind by using it to make me the beautiful thin one?

Well. R just broke up with me. Now, I feel like total shit. I can't believe this. I can't. I don't want this. I hate this. I hate this. I want him, all I want is him. I'd even eat like an obese person if it meant keeping him! I want him. He doesn't care. I didn't know I could hurt this much. No amount of hunger hurts this much.

Resistance.

Mother is making cake.
It smells soo good.

Resist, resist, resist.

I don't need it.

***********
I'm clear-cake's gone without me having any.
Yay!

We'll Fix You, My Love.

Today, I have to fix everything. It's a snow day, which is AMAZING, because I can just treat it as a weekend, and I'm pretty good at weekends. We're out of bottled water-tear-but I guess I'll just deal. I'm gonna try to fast today...I've never really been good at that, but hey, there's a first for everything.

Yesterday, I had my first You're-Too-Thin talk with my friend. She's crazy, though, and I don't believe a word she said. I know her well enough to know that she'll say that people said something even if they didnt say it, just to make her stories more persuasive. She said that alot of our friends are talking about me being "scary skinny", but I know I'm not scary skinny, and of the names she named she doesnt even talk to two of the girls. I deffinately let on to too much, though. I'm bad at secrets when I get confronted. Oh well. She won't do much.

I'm kinda excited for today!

Thinspiration:

More later.

--------------------

I'm doing amazingly so far, but it's only 4:00, theres still a lot of time left in the day. Mom's making meatloaf for supper, but I'll be able to get around that with the not-feeling-good excuse, because they think I have some kind of stomach problem anyways.

--------------------

Yeah, well, I successfully fasted today. No food for me! Mother's making meatloaf, but by the time it gets down here, I'll be in bed.

*Pats myself on the back*

Dreaming.

Thigh gap.
That's what I want, what I'm aiming for, what I'm waiting for.
The noticable gap between the thighs that proves you're thin.
I want it.

P.S-I very much enjoy and appreciate everyone's support.

110 is an evil number.

I've had about 130 cals today. Lunch was easy. (I'd say easy as pie..but for some reason that doesn't seem like it would fit.)I had strawberries and bananas and a bite or so of someone's bread roll. When I got home, I had part of a small bread roll. Dinner will consist of pineapples.

I think I'm gonna test myself now by making the siblings some pizza.

My hands smell yummy from this lotion. :D

Thinspiration:

More later.
----------------------

I had the crust of a pizza, and 100 cals of pineapple. I'm gonna say this was a good day.
I feel good.
I feel thin.
The scale is still pointing straight at 110, though. It's soo hard to get it past 110. I've never gotten much lower than 110 in the past, either. It's always stopped at 110, where I just gave up. I'm not giving up this time. I'm going to keep going until it goes down. I will do this. I will get below 110.

---------------

Fuck, I binged. Luckily it was already close to eight, so it wasn't that bad. Just as long as I don't eat so much that I get above 110 in one night. I can deal with being "around 110" until I get the strength to get below.

>.<

So, it's only 12:37 pm and I've already had about 350 calories. It wasn't a binge, it was a desperate need for energy. I laid in my bed for hours because I had no energy to get up, and every seven times I did try to get up, my head spun and my knees buckled. I just couldn't do it. I ended up falling sleeping for another hour or so before I woke up and could get out of bed. I went downstairs and the only thing in the kitchen (we haven't gone grocery shopping lately, and I've thrown out stuff that they would believe I ate) was the coffee cake mom'd made last night. I tried just chugging some water, but I got another wave of dizziness and somehow ended up on the floor (not sure how that happened), so I ate a piece. I threw out the parts I hate, because if I have to eat, I'd rather eat what I like than just alot of crap.
---------------
I haven't eaten anything else yet. I probably will, though. Hopefully not. My stomach feels as if it would just get rid of anything I put inside it anyways-as in, I feel really sick, if you didn't catch that.
----------------
Yeah, the stomach bug started feeling better, and I had alot of energy today! I'm still kind of hyped up. Around, like, 2 o'clock I was off my ass trying to find amazing things to do. I didn't eat much after this morning, possibly 20 cals worth of some kind of crap mom made for dinner. I told her I'd just eat the rest of the coffee cake, and went upstairs and threw it away :D I'm gonna call it an awesome day, even though it started off awfully.

Overall, I'd say this weekend was successful. Still have to weigh myself, but I'm not so excited about that. I don't think I'll have lost much. Maybe I just won't weigh myself until...I don't know, later, haha.

Tomorrow is school! The fruits are strawberries and bananas, yummm. I'm in a good mood, mostly because my size 1(u.s.) jeans fit alot better. They still aren't gorgeous, but getting there. It's always hard to get under 110 for me, though, so I just have to stay motivated.

I love you, darling.

I'm going to be home alone most of today, so not eating will be easy. When the rest of the family gets home, I'll be able to get by with eating the last 100 cal yogurt for dinner and saying that I had a sandwich for lunch..even though I didn't. Yogurt is all I plan on eating today.

So, even when I feel like I'm getting thinner, and the scale says I've gotten thinner, and the tape measure says I'm getting thinner...my mirror pretty much says it's all a lie. I look bigger than before, and I know I'm not bloated. Why do I look bigger? And anyway, no one's really noticed that I'm shrinking. Then again, I've been wearing t-shirts because I think I'm getting bigger. Either way, though, I just want the mirror to stop contradicting everything else.

I'm not going to weigh myself until the weekend is over.

Thinspiration:
I'm about to get hungry-I think I'll go get a water now.

More later.
----------------------

4 o'clock and I've been stretching the thing of yogurt throughout the day. There's about a third left in it, which I'm going to save until everyone's eating dinner. I have absolutely no energy today. I'll probably end up eating 80 calories of mandarin oranges, but that's not an issue yet. I have faith in myself at the moment. To go the whole day with 100 cals worth of yogurt would be preferable.

I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone today. I've just laid around alot and painted my nails..I'm even kind of glad that R hasn't been around at all, because I'd be boring and unresponsive to him for no reason. I hate being in this kind of mood, it makes it hard to be proud of myself when I should be. Maybe a mid-afternoon shower will help. If only I had the motivation to move myself out of this chair to get to the shower.

Sigh.

More later.
-------------------------

I made that one lone yogurt last an entire day! Nothing but a 100 cal yogurt, the whole day. And now my day is officially over, it's 8 o'clock. Finally! Tomorrow, I plan on having half a cup of pineapples. Yes, only half a cup. I hope I can do it. half a cup=70 cals, I can probably make it into 100 cals if need be.

Bring it.

I HAVE TO DO GOOD TODAY.

I've had too many bad days lately. I need some good ones.

I have some official goals-

105 by the 14th, because the 15th is my anniversary with R.

100 by the 23rd, because Christmas Eve is the next day.

Thinspiration:

More later.

--------------------------

OMG, today was most deffinately a good day. I had at least five bottles of water, and only, like, 200 substantial calories. I am so proud of myself! I love this feeling. I want to bottle this feeling up and take it out when I want to binge!

This weekend should be easy, but I'm ready for the worst.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Spit That Out, Baby Girl.

I've had about 230 calories so far today. I don't feel like eating any more, so it'll probably stop there.

The lunch being served at school tomorrow includes:

Chicken & Noodles
Mashed Potatoes
Mixed Vegetables
Sliced Peaches
Hot Biscuit
Milk

But I'm only going to eat the sliced peaches. Normally half a cup is 70 cals, so I'll be pretty good in that department.

I'm excited for the weekend, because it's always easier to stay away from the food demon on weekends. The only time I have real trouble is when people put food in front of me; avoiding it is easy. No one puts food in front of me on weekends, so I just have to avoid it.

Boring post today, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I'm gonna go look at some thinspo for a while.

----------------------

Well, crap. Mother's making spaghetti-a.k.a, the only food they'd be suspicious of if I skipped. I don't know how to get around this...

I ate. I couldnt get around it. In my family, if you pass up spagehetti, something is wrong and everyone will chew you out. I don't know why, don't ask. I tried to get away with being sick, I tried that I'm not hungry. But they didn't buy it. I ate. I fucking ate. Mom's spaghetti is NOT low-cal, either. I'm guessing that makes today a 500-700 cal day. Shit.

Tomorrow, I HAVE to do good.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, Deary, You'll be Just Fine.

School in ten minutes. Deep breaths. After yesterday's regrettable binge, I have to get back on track. I barely thought about food the rest of the night yesterday. Today I have to remember, no food. As little as possible, at least.

------------------

Two small apples for lunch. I was going to stop with one, but the Mac&Cheese and buttered rolls were calling out to me, and I decided an extra apple would be much better. 170 cals for the school day, and I'm not planning on eating much more today. Possibly a 70 cal half cup of peaches for dinner.

Thinspiration:

--------------------

It's 7 o'clock, and I'm procrastinating supper. I don't feel like it, food isn't one bit appealing right now. If I don't eat within an hour, though, I won't eat the rest of the night...right now I'm leaning towards not eating. I've been looking at thinspiration pictures for the past few hours.

"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed."

So, for today, 170 total calories.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, don't tell me you really did that?

Today's been okay. I had about 70 cals at school lunch of peaches, didn't snack the whole day. Then I got home and immediately went to the fridge, a bad habit that has stayed with me from when I used to eat "normaly". I pulled out an open yogurt and ate about 50 cals of it. I felt a total binge coming on, so I walked out of the kitchen, but I walked right back in. I decided that I might as well give myself something low-cal just to shut up the fat girl in my mind. I had a 100 cal granola bar. 220 cals, and it's not even six o'clock yet. I'm going to eat half a 100 cal yogurt or less for dinner-that is, if any parents are home. If we're on our own for dinner, nothing. Also, I'm going on a walk with my friend, we'll be out for a while. Hopefully that will do some helpful damage.

More later.
-----------------------
So, my friend bailed on the walk and we went to her house and ate. Ate as in a tiny slice of cake, a bunch of wheat thin crackers, a bunch of candy corn, and an apple. Go ahead and hate me now. I hate myself, too.

Her scale read 111.6 when I left. No more food for this fatty. I may not have gained much this time, but if there's a next time...well, you know. So, new goals:

Wednesday: 250
Thursday: 250
Friday: 200
Saturday: 200
Sunday: 170

My guess for today's calorie count is in the 5-700s, I have no idea, to be honest. I don't want to know, either. But that cake ruined me for sure. So disappointing, I'd been doing amazing up until this point. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to go under my goal of 250 cals.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses