Texting buddy, please?

I have a phone now. :D

I really want someone to talk to who understands. I'll help you as much as I can, and you can listen to me rant a little bit. In the summer I might need even more help, because I won't have people shoving food down my throat, but for now I want to just be able to stay connected and not lose hope or focus.

Message me at bite.mexd@rocketmail.com and I'll tell you my number, or we can just email back and forth.

Summer can't come fast enough.

I keep eating for them, they keep making me eat, I don't want this, I don't I don't I don't. I'm sick of it. I'm sickkkk of it, I don't want this any more. I never did. Stop making me eat, stop checking up on me. Stop, stop, stop!!!

I'm so depressed all the time. I can't be beautiful if they keep forcing me to be like everyone else. I'm still "thin" by their standards, and I know I'm not obesely fat or anything. I have no idea what I weigh. I don't wanna know. I want this all to stop. I want the summer to come NOW.

When summer gets here, I'll be gone too much for them to make me eat. I'm doing a decent job of acting like it doesnt bother me, so maybe they'll even trust me by then. R is going to be gone for a month in the summer. When he comes back, I swear I'll be beautiful for him.

Woot woot

So, today is the last day of spring break. I've done amazing all week! I'm proud of myself. I've discovered that half a slice of 60 cal cheese and crustless 45 cal bread makes a delicious feast. So does a meatless 70 cal burger and a tablespoon of 15 cal ketchup, or half a package of 160 cal oatmeal and 15 cal brown sugar. I've lost a decent amount, seven pounds or so, in one week. Of course, there's also the workout R gives me. :D

Back to school tomorrow. Lunch is hard, because everyone's watching and to be quite honest they can tell by now. It's hard to have eyes on you every time you eat, but I'll be fine.

Fleeting Glances

Today is the first day of spring break!

I've got the entire week (almost) filled up, away from this wretched house of watchful eyes. I won't eat a bite outside of this house.

The most exciting part of my week is going to be tomorrow and the day after. I'm staying the night at R's house. My parents don't know this. They're strict and I'm 'too young', so to them I'm staying at my friend's house.

The thing with R is, he basically knows about my ED. He trys to make me eat...he knows that if he tried hard enough, he'd be able to make me eat easily, but he doesn't want to see me upset so he doesn't force me. I love him.

Tumblr.com

Follow me on Tumblr, please.


http://yesithurts.tumblr.com/


It's my Ana account, not my personal one. If you want to find my personal one, message me.


It'll mostly be thinsp pictures and some inspiration quotes, I don't plan on putting much about my ED, especially not right now, what with my current situation and all.

:D

Thinspo.

I don't know how to spell FAILURE any other way.

My family decided it was time to, um, "save me".

They said they know what I'm doing and have to put a stop to it. That means that they decided I have to eat whenever they eat, and one of them have to make my plate and make sure I eat it all. They said that they'd only put what they would eat themselves, but I noticed every extra bite.

It's been a few months of that.
HELL.
Ugh.

There are three more months until summer break. During summer, I'll be out of the house so often that they won't notice when I do (or don't) eat. I just have to make it until then, that's the hard part. I don't know how I'm going to, because I just want to cry every time I look down at my thighs in this chair, or my stomach when I change, or a mirror. When I go to my boyfriend's (meaning R, still :D) I'm too self conscious to do anything that doesnt involve clothes.

I hate this so much.

I didn't write because I've been so scared.

Last time I checked the scale, I was at 120. That was so long ago, and I know for sure I've gained more than that because I can put my jeans on and KNOW. Nothing fits any more. I hate this, so so much.
Support, please? I think I'm dying.

I'm trying to just stay positive by thinking about how gorgeous I'll look by the end of summer.

Sorrrry for the late late late update.

Alllll righttt.
So.
I haven't had a computer to update with, and I don't have long to use this one today...but to sum things up, I've kept to the first four days on my ABC. Tomorrow is a 500 day. I'm not scared, but we're going to Chilli's for supper, which means I'll probably fast until then so that I can eat with everyone not freaking out. I'm looking for the calorie counts online right now.

After tomorrow is my first fast. Easy, I hope. I believe in myself. I have to.

I put on my swimsuit for the first time in ever. I wore it around the house all day. My family looked at me strange, but I loved it because every mirror I passed smiled at me. I can't wait for summer. I hope I either have this body or a smaller one by summertime.

Anyway. Stay strong, ladies.

ABC. *Scared face*

I'm gonna be doing an ABC....details below.

I need support. I hate asking for help, but I know I need it. If you want to talk, email me at bite.mexd@rocketmail.com. Please want to talk...haha. I'll be getting texting soon, and that'll make things wayy easier.

1. 100 calories
2. 200 calories
3. 300 calories
4. 400 calories
5. 500 calories
6. fast
7. 150 calories
8. 200 calories
9. 400 calories
10. 350 calories
11. 250 calories
12. 200 calories
13. fast
14. 200 calories
15. 100 calories
16. fast
17. 300 calories
18. 250 calories
19. 200 calories
20. 150 calories
21. 100 calories
22. 50 calories
23. 100 calories
24. 200 calories
25. 200 calories
26. 300 calories
27. 800
28. fast
29. 250 calories
30. 350 calories
31. 450 calories
32. fast
33. 500 calories
34. 450 calories
35. 400 calories
36. 350 calories
37. 300 calories
38. 250 calories
39. 200 calories
40. 200 calories
41. 250 calories
42. 200 calories
43. 300 calories
44. 200 calories
45. 150 calories
46. fast

Yeah, it's edited a bit. I wanna stay on track with "O.G." while she does it, too. I'll probably add the days I missed to the end...I hope I'm not cheating...?

Today was AWFUL. I ate a whole shitload. But we won't get into that...because I'm reading about the success of ABC and it sounds really promising. Tomorrow is a 100 day, so I guess I'll skip everything until dinner and have a yogurt. If that doesn't work...we'll figure something out.

I'm tired of giving up. I never finish anything. I want to see this through. I want to be thin, and be able to say it wasn't just luck, it was something I did, that I finally did something. I want to do something.

That's why I'm not...absolutely NOT...letting myself get away with any cheating. I let myself to do many things. Cheating on Ana will not be one of them.

Anyway, thanks.

Take your pie and shove it.

So, at the moment I'm at about 111 pounds. That's 4 pounds more than my lowest, which was only a few weeks ago. But it's also 4 pounds less than I was just last week.

I just asked a fellow blogger if I could join her in her ABC. I have no idea what I'm getting into, to be honest. I've never done one before. Sometimes I can hardly make it through a week with little food, so I don't know how good of an idea this is. But I'm sure that if it doesn't work out too well she'll understand. I'll hate myself forever, but it's not like I'll die. I'm just going to have to try to keep a positive outlook.

My mother made a whole bunch of baked goods. I hate when she cooks. She normally can't cook at all, but when she does she goes crazy. We have brownies out the butt. (Exaggeration..) Anyway though, I'll try to stay out of them.

I've had about 400 calories today. All right.

Well I'm off.

Excuse Me.

I just went up and weighed myself. I'm soo close to being 110 again. I don't know how I'm still this close after today's fuck-up. And today's still not over. Ugh! I'll do better tomorrow, I swear.

I don't even like candy in my ice cream!

So, I was determined today. I woke up knowing that it'd be a hard day, but I also told myself I could handle it. I was soo drained of energy by midmorning, so I had a 50 cal yogurt and a spoon of strawberry jelly. Not bad at all.
After that, we walked the mall for a while and I nibbled on some of my friend's pizza. Still not so bad, it wasn't more than a bite. I don't get upset with myself for a measly bite. By my standards, I was still doing good.

But.
But..
But then came the ice cream.
I spent all day yesterday online looking at the calories for everything. I decided I had a pretty good range of choices if I stuck to the low cal options. Thankfully, because when I got there I hardly looked at anything but the low cal choices. I just couldn't decide! So many choices. *Excited dance* I wanted it all, but not really. I just couldn't decide which I wanted more. I almost talked myself into the medium size *collective gasp* but thankfully I realized how stupid that was! I got the smallest size, a total of 190 calories. Let's round that to 200.

So I figured, still not bad. Then I had to ruin it by adding chocolate shavings! I originally was just going to add chocolate sprinkles for only 25 cals. Instead, I had to get the chocolate shavings for 90, rounded to 100! That's like a million! AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CANDY IN MY ICE CREAM!

But no, no it doesn't stop there. My friend got the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection, medium size, and couldn't finish it. She gave what she couldn't eat to me. It was a lot, but not a whole lot, so I guessed it was about 200 cals and forced myself to eat it. There was nothing else to do with it! God, I can't believe I'm even making up excuses. Anyway, I just looked it up and the amount she gave me was almost 900 cals.

WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN MAKE SOMETHING WORTH 900 CALS? What's the point in that?!

So, after this long string of good days, I end up with more than 1000 calories today. I haven't eaten more than 1000 calories in one day in forever.

Please excuse me while I go kill myself.
(Don't take that seriously, please.)

Time to be proud.

Okay, so I've been doing absolutely amazing lately!

I don't remember where I left off, but the past three days have been wonderful. I haven't even had to work very hard, really, because I just haven't been in the mood to eat. It just hasn't been appealing at all. That's helpful, right? Haha.

Anyway, today seems like it'll be just as easy. We'll be out and about again today, which means we'll stop for something to eat. But we don't have much money, so it'll be Subway. Subway's high in calories, but if I can get them to let me have a soup instead of a sandwich I'll be okay. They have pretty low calorie soups. And I think I'll even be okay if I get a sandwich, if I don't eat anything else all day.

And then tomorrow, I'm going with some girlfriends to the mall. I got a Coldstone ice cream gift certificate for Christmas, so I'm going to treat them all. I'm not going to eat much besides that, hopefully. I hope this mood doesn't end before then, because right now I'm thinking a Like It size (the smallest size) will be more than enough, but if this mood passes then I know I'll be talking myself into the biggest size they have.

My dad's been freaking out on me about food lately. Not completely, but dropping hints. I've always had a problem with my stomach, so I just use that as an excuse. But I think that excuse may be wearing off...I don't know.

And haha, don't you find it amusing when people give an anorexic chocolate as a present? I laugh at that.

Obey or be punished?

The Ten Commandments:


1.) If you aren't thin, then you aren't attractive.
2.) Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3.) You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to
make yourself look thinner.
4.) Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5.) Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterward.
6.) Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7.) What the scale says is the most important thing.
8.) Losing weight is good; gaining weight is bad.
9.) You can never be too thin.
10.) Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Random Thought.

I can't help but laugh when someone complains that they're "starving". Isn't it ironic that while they whine about it, I'm the one who's really starving, and I'm loving it?

Boring.

Ehh I don't really feel like posting much right now. So I won't, haha.

Walked around a lot today from shopping. In the car, I bounced my legs because I might as well burn some calories while I'm doing nothing, right?

Went to a barbeque place for lunch, but only ate some potato salad and a slice of bread and a tiny bit of meat. Also had a 120 cal cookie.

I've no idea how much that comes to, but I'm not unhappy, so it's good.

I got two size-1 jeans, one fits almost perfectly and one is tight. Thinspo jeans are my favorite kind of jeans! I hope I'll fit into them by umm I don't know, just soon haha.

Because of stupidity

Survived with only a handful of chips and dip.

Bad, I know, but better than what could've happened!

I went a lonngg time without, but the moment I decided I'd get up and allow myself *one* cracker...all was lost. :(

Still, I'll be walking a lot tomorrow around the mall and other places, and avoiding food. Also, I've worked out a lot lately :D so maybe that'll help. And I've opened all the windows in my room for a while, so when I sleep today I'll be burning extra calories from the cold. That's a plus.

Hmm, weirdest thing. I've never been one to make myself sick after eating. But today, after a bit of chips and dip, my first thought was to try. I did for a while, but remembered all the guests downstairs and thought better of it. I don't really know what I'm doing in that area, so I'd have more of a chance at getting caught, you know? I think I'll stick to not eating, thanks.

The Thought of Christmas Makes Me Shake.

It's 4:17 and I've only eaten a cookie. The family is bringing food around five. I just have to hang on until then, and when that time comes, I have to keep images of what I am and what I want in my head. If I let myself give in, I'll hate myself forever. There's no longer any room for the tiniest mess-up. I refuse to be 120 again, and I'm too close to it. I don't want to fail any more.

Pep talks rarely ever work.
Maybe this time it will, since I've been pep-talking since three.

SHIT, they're here, the food is here.

Baby, You're All I Need.

Yesterday was all right. I don't know for sure how many calories I had, but I didn't eat much.

I'm slowly making my way back down to 110. The little needle on the scale was right in between 110 and 115 this morning. I'm scared to eat, for fear that it will shoot right back up. I'm not going to eat until 3:30, and even then only if I have to. That's three hours, and I'm already hungry, so I'll probably end up eating a 50 cal yogurt...50 cals isn't that bad. And then at six I'll eat another.

R and I have been talking. Last night, he apologized profusely for his stupidity, and admitted he wanted me back. We established that life's hell without each other, but nothing really came of it. I'm hoping we'll talk again today, and something will actually happen.

A lot of people I know are going to be upset when I take him back, but I don't really care. I know how he is, they don't. He gets all twisted up inside his own head if he has to deal with himself for too long. His mind is scary to him. Sometimes all he needs is time to cool off. I know he has his ups and his downs, and he deserves to have someone that's willing to stay a steady pace for him, and I don't know anyone better for that job than me.

...

Anyway, back on subject. Christmas is scary. I don't want it to make me go backwards. Apparently this year we're not going to have a whole big meal with a lot of main dishes, we're just going to have a bunch of snack food. That could be a good thing, if I can control myself.

Lovely Nylon Ladies.

A handful of models from the Nylon magazine's site, as promised. I have over 60 pictures saved to my disc thingy, but I'll only pester you with a small collection of my favorites.