110 is an evil number.

I've had about 130 cals today. Lunch was easy. (I'd say easy as pie..but for some reason that doesn't seem like it would fit.)I had strawberries and bananas and a bite or so of someone's bread roll. When I got home, I had part of a small bread roll. Dinner will consist of pineapples.

I think I'm gonna test myself now by making the siblings some pizza.

My hands smell yummy from this lotion. :D

Thinspiration:

More later.
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I had the crust of a pizza, and 100 cals of pineapple. I'm gonna say this was a good day.
I feel good.
I feel thin.
The scale is still pointing straight at 110, though. It's soo hard to get it past 110. I've never gotten much lower than 110 in the past, either. It's always stopped at 110, where I just gave up. I'm not giving up this time. I'm going to keep going until it goes down. I will do this. I will get below 110.

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Fuck, I binged. Luckily it was already close to eight, so it wasn't that bad. Just as long as I don't eat so much that I get above 110 in one night. I can deal with being "around 110" until I get the strength to get below.

>.<

So, it's only 12:37 pm and I've already had about 350 calories. It wasn't a binge, it was a desperate need for energy. I laid in my bed for hours because I had no energy to get up, and every seven times I did try to get up, my head spun and my knees buckled. I just couldn't do it. I ended up falling sleeping for another hour or so before I woke up and could get out of bed. I went downstairs and the only thing in the kitchen (we haven't gone grocery shopping lately, and I've thrown out stuff that they would believe I ate) was the coffee cake mom'd made last night. I tried just chugging some water, but I got another wave of dizziness and somehow ended up on the floor (not sure how that happened), so I ate a piece. I threw out the parts I hate, because if I have to eat, I'd rather eat what I like than just alot of crap.
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I haven't eaten anything else yet. I probably will, though. Hopefully not. My stomach feels as if it would just get rid of anything I put inside it anyways-as in, I feel really sick, if you didn't catch that.
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Yeah, the stomach bug started feeling better, and I had alot of energy today! I'm still kind of hyped up. Around, like, 2 o'clock I was off my ass trying to find amazing things to do. I didn't eat much after this morning, possibly 20 cals worth of some kind of crap mom made for dinner. I told her I'd just eat the rest of the coffee cake, and went upstairs and threw it away :D I'm gonna call it an awesome day, even though it started off awfully.

Overall, I'd say this weekend was successful. Still have to weigh myself, but I'm not so excited about that. I don't think I'll have lost much. Maybe I just won't weigh myself until...I don't know, later, haha.

Tomorrow is school! The fruits are strawberries and bananas, yummm. I'm in a good mood, mostly because my size 1(u.s.) jeans fit alot better. They still aren't gorgeous, but getting there. It's always hard to get under 110 for me, though, so I just have to stay motivated.

I love you, darling.

I'm going to be home alone most of today, so not eating will be easy. When the rest of the family gets home, I'll be able to get by with eating the last 100 cal yogurt for dinner and saying that I had a sandwich for lunch..even though I didn't. Yogurt is all I plan on eating today.

So, even when I feel like I'm getting thinner, and the scale says I've gotten thinner, and the tape measure says I'm getting thinner...my mirror pretty much says it's all a lie. I look bigger than before, and I know I'm not bloated. Why do I look bigger? And anyway, no one's really noticed that I'm shrinking. Then again, I've been wearing t-shirts because I think I'm getting bigger. Either way, though, I just want the mirror to stop contradicting everything else.

I'm not going to weigh myself until the weekend is over.

Thinspiration:
I'm about to get hungry-I think I'll go get a water now.

More later.
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4 o'clock and I've been stretching the thing of yogurt throughout the day. There's about a third left in it, which I'm going to save until everyone's eating dinner. I have absolutely no energy today. I'll probably end up eating 80 calories of mandarin oranges, but that's not an issue yet. I have faith in myself at the moment. To go the whole day with 100 cals worth of yogurt would be preferable.

I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone today. I've just laid around alot and painted my nails..I'm even kind of glad that R hasn't been around at all, because I'd be boring and unresponsive to him for no reason. I hate being in this kind of mood, it makes it hard to be proud of myself when I should be. Maybe a mid-afternoon shower will help. If only I had the motivation to move myself out of this chair to get to the shower.

Sigh.

More later.
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I made that one lone yogurt last an entire day! Nothing but a 100 cal yogurt, the whole day. And now my day is officially over, it's 8 o'clock. Finally! Tomorrow, I plan on having half a cup of pineapples. Yes, only half a cup. I hope I can do it. half a cup=70 cals, I can probably make it into 100 cals if need be.

Bring it.

I HAVE TO DO GOOD TODAY.

I've had too many bad days lately. I need some good ones.

I have some official goals-

105 by the 14th, because the 15th is my anniversary with R.

100 by the 23rd, because Christmas Eve is the next day.

Thinspiration:

More later.

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OMG, today was most deffinately a good day. I had at least five bottles of water, and only, like, 200 substantial calories. I am so proud of myself! I love this feeling. I want to bottle this feeling up and take it out when I want to binge!

This weekend should be easy, but I'm ready for the worst.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Spit That Out, Baby Girl.

I've had about 230 calories so far today. I don't feel like eating any more, so it'll probably stop there.

The lunch being served at school tomorrow includes:

Chicken & Noodles
Mashed Potatoes
Mixed Vegetables
Sliced Peaches
Hot Biscuit
Milk

But I'm only going to eat the sliced peaches. Normally half a cup is 70 cals, so I'll be pretty good in that department.

I'm excited for the weekend, because it's always easier to stay away from the food demon on weekends. The only time I have real trouble is when people put food in front of me; avoiding it is easy. No one puts food in front of me on weekends, so I just have to avoid it.

Boring post today, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I'm gonna go look at some thinspo for a while.

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Well, crap. Mother's making spaghetti-a.k.a, the only food they'd be suspicious of if I skipped. I don't know how to get around this...

I ate. I couldnt get around it. In my family, if you pass up spagehetti, something is wrong and everyone will chew you out. I don't know why, don't ask. I tried to get away with being sick, I tried that I'm not hungry. But they didn't buy it. I ate. I fucking ate. Mom's spaghetti is NOT low-cal, either. I'm guessing that makes today a 500-700 cal day. Shit.

Tomorrow, I HAVE to do good.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, Deary, You'll be Just Fine.

School in ten minutes. Deep breaths. After yesterday's regrettable binge, I have to get back on track. I barely thought about food the rest of the night yesterday. Today I have to remember, no food. As little as possible, at least.

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Two small apples for lunch. I was going to stop with one, but the Mac&Cheese and buttered rolls were calling out to me, and I decided an extra apple would be much better. 170 cals for the school day, and I'm not planning on eating much more today. Possibly a 70 cal half cup of peaches for dinner.

Thinspiration:

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It's 7 o'clock, and I'm procrastinating supper. I don't feel like it, food isn't one bit appealing right now. If I don't eat within an hour, though, I won't eat the rest of the night...right now I'm leaning towards not eating. I've been looking at thinspiration pictures for the past few hours.

"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed."

So, for today, 170 total calories.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, don't tell me you really did that?

Today's been okay. I had about 70 cals at school lunch of peaches, didn't snack the whole day. Then I got home and immediately went to the fridge, a bad habit that has stayed with me from when I used to eat "normaly". I pulled out an open yogurt and ate about 50 cals of it. I felt a total binge coming on, so I walked out of the kitchen, but I walked right back in. I decided that I might as well give myself something low-cal just to shut up the fat girl in my mind. I had a 100 cal granola bar. 220 cals, and it's not even six o'clock yet. I'm going to eat half a 100 cal yogurt or less for dinner-that is, if any parents are home. If we're on our own for dinner, nothing. Also, I'm going on a walk with my friend, we'll be out for a while. Hopefully that will do some helpful damage.

More later.
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So, my friend bailed on the walk and we went to her house and ate. Ate as in a tiny slice of cake, a bunch of wheat thin crackers, a bunch of candy corn, and an apple. Go ahead and hate me now. I hate myself, too.

Her scale read 111.6 when I left. No more food for this fatty. I may not have gained much this time, but if there's a next time...well, you know. So, new goals:

Wednesday: 250
Thursday: 250
Friday: 200
Saturday: 200
Sunday: 170

My guess for today's calorie count is in the 5-700s, I have no idea, to be honest. I don't want to know, either. But that cake ruined me for sure. So disappointing, I'd been doing amazing up until this point. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to go under my goal of 250 cals.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses