Friday, March 5, 2010

I don't know how to spell FAILURE any other way.

My family decided it was time to, um, "save me".

They said they know what I'm doing and have to put a stop to it. That means that they decided I have to eat whenever they eat, and one of them have to make my plate and make sure I eat it all. They said that they'd only put what they would eat themselves, but I noticed every extra bite.

It's been a few months of that.

There are three more months until summer break. During summer, I'll be out of the house so often that they won't notice when I do (or don't) eat. I just have to make it until then, that's the hard part. I don't know how I'm going to, because I just want to cry every time I look down at my thighs in this chair, or my stomach when I change, or a mirror. When I go to my boyfriend's (meaning R, still :D) I'm too self conscious to do anything that doesnt involve clothes.

I hate this so much.

I didn't write because I've been so scared.

Last time I checked the scale, I was at 120. That was so long ago, and I know for sure I've gained more than that because I can put my jeans on and KNOW. Nothing fits any more. I hate this, so so much.
Support, please? I think I'm dying.

I'm trying to just stay positive by thinking about how gorgeous I'll look by the end of summer.


  1. I think I know how that feels... well, I think I haven't lost that much weight yet. But people 'round the house are like you have to eat this and that. And they keep on piling food on my plate like I'm some sort of a human food vacuum... I so hate it plus I gained some of the pounds I've given my hardest to lose. I hate my thighs, my arms, everything... I just so want to be perfect. We'll have to try all means to be gorgeous by summer. We can't let anything block us from our goals.

    You can do it. We can do it.

  2. reading that made me cry. i'm so sorry.
    noone understands you. noones trying.
    You're so beautiful. can't they see how sweet you are.
    Do they think forcing you to eat is funny. torture isn't funny.
    i just can't feel worse for you. i have a similar situation but mine isn't as bad. being watched that way every second would kill me. i can barely eat infront of people without feeling awkward. being monitored the whole time is unimaginable to me.
    Stay strong.
    We love you

  3. You have to fight! Deny it and tell them they have no right to force you to eat if you're not hungry. You shouldn't be subjected to eat what they say to eat when they want you to eat.

    On that note the only way to win this war by eating and showing them you eat is to eat 5 snacks a day and work out. You can lose over a pound a day doing this. Honestly it works and it avoids the plateaus. Good luck ! Stay strong!