Wednesday, December 30, 2009
After that, we walked the mall for a while and I nibbled on some of my friend's pizza. Still not so bad, it wasn't more than a bite. I don't get upset with myself for a measly bite. By my standards, I was still doing good.
But then came the ice cream.
I spent all day yesterday online looking at the calories for everything. I decided I had a pretty good range of choices if I stuck to the low cal options. Thankfully, because when I got there I hardly looked at anything but the low cal choices. I just couldn't decide! So many choices. *Excited dance* I wanted it all, but not really. I just couldn't decide which I wanted more. I almost talked myself into the medium size *collective gasp* but thankfully I realized how stupid that was! I got the smallest size, a total of 190 calories. Let's round that to 200.
So I figured, still not bad. Then I had to ruin it by adding chocolate shavings! I originally was just going to add chocolate sprinkles for only 25 cals. Instead, I had to get the chocolate shavings for 90, rounded to 100! That's like a million! AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CANDY IN MY ICE CREAM!
But no, no it doesn't stop there. My friend got the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection, medium size, and couldn't finish it. She gave what she couldn't eat to me. It was a lot, but not a whole lot, so I guessed it was about 200 cals and forced myself to eat it. There was nothing else to do with it! God, I can't believe I'm even making up excuses. Anyway, I just looked it up and the amount she gave me was almost 900 cals.
WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN MAKE SOMETHING WORTH 900 CALS? What's the point in that?!
So, after this long string of good days, I end up with more than 1000 calories today. I haven't eaten more than 1000 calories in one day in forever.
Please excuse me while I go kill myself.
(Don't take that seriously, please.)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I don't remember where I left off, but the past three days have been wonderful. I haven't even had to work very hard, really, because I just haven't been in the mood to eat. It just hasn't been appealing at all. That's helpful, right? Haha.
Anyway, today seems like it'll be just as easy. We'll be out and about again today, which means we'll stop for something to eat. But we don't have much money, so it'll be Subway. Subway's high in calories, but if I can get them to let me have a soup instead of a sandwich I'll be okay. They have pretty low calorie soups. And I think I'll even be okay if I get a sandwich, if I don't eat anything else all day.
And then tomorrow, I'm going with some girlfriends to the mall. I got a Coldstone ice cream gift certificate for Christmas, so I'm going to treat them all. I'm not going to eat much besides that, hopefully. I hope this mood doesn't end before then, because right now I'm thinking a Like It size (the smallest size) will be more than enough, but if this mood passes then I know I'll be talking myself into the biggest size they have.
My dad's been freaking out on me about food lately. Not completely, but dropping hints. I've always had a problem with my stomach, so I just use that as an excuse. But I think that excuse may be wearing off...I don't know.
And haha, don't you find it amusing when people give an anorexic chocolate as a present? I laugh at that.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
1.) If you aren't thin, then you aren't attractive.
2.) Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3.) You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to
make yourself look thinner.
4.) Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5.) Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterward.
6.) Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7.) What the scale says is the most important thing.
8.) Losing weight is good; gaining weight is bad.
9.) You can never be too thin.
10.) Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Walked around a lot today from shopping. In the car, I bounced my legs because I might as well burn some calories while I'm doing nothing, right?
Went to a barbeque place for lunch, but only ate some potato salad and a slice of bread and a tiny bit of meat. Also had a 120 cal cookie.
I've no idea how much that comes to, but I'm not unhappy, so it's good.
I got two size-1 jeans, one fits almost perfectly and one is tight. Thinspo jeans are my favorite kind of jeans! I hope I'll fit into them by umm I don't know, just soon haha.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Bad, I know, but better than what could've happened!
I went a lonngg time without, but the moment I decided I'd get up and allow myself *one* cracker...all was lost. :(
Still, I'll be walking a lot tomorrow around the mall and other places, and avoiding food. Also, I've worked out a lot lately :D so maybe that'll help. And I've opened all the windows in my room for a while, so when I sleep today I'll be burning extra calories from the cold. That's a plus.
Hmm, weirdest thing. I've never been one to make myself sick after eating. But today, after a bit of chips and dip, my first thought was to try. I did for a while, but remembered all the guests downstairs and thought better of it. I don't really know what I'm doing in that area, so I'd have more of a chance at getting caught, you know? I think I'll stick to not eating, thanks.
Pep talks rarely ever work.
Maybe this time it will, since I've been pep-talking since three.
SHIT, they're here, the food is here.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm slowly making my way back down to 110. The little needle on the scale was right in between 110 and 115 this morning. I'm scared to eat, for fear that it will shoot right back up. I'm not going to eat until 3:30, and even then only if I have to. That's three hours, and I'm already hungry, so I'll probably end up eating a 50 cal yogurt...50 cals isn't that bad. And then at six I'll eat another.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Also, while I was at my friend's house the other day, I flipped through some of her Nylon magazines. I was amazed by how many thinspiration pictures I found inside. I'm going to try to get a subscription to Nylon. I've been on their site looking at pictures, and like I said, there are soo many helpful things. I'll make a whole post full of Nylon ladies tomorrow.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Also, I have a doctor's appointment sometime in the future, I don't remember if it's today or not. I think it is...anyway, last time I went to the doctor I weighed 118, and now the scale is saying 107 (yes, under 110 omg happy!), so I don't want to alarm them too much. That doesn't mean that I'm going to eat myself up to 110 again, just that I don't wanna be much lower when the appointment comes.
So, tomorrow, there's this big party. I was originally planning on having a 140 cal. sandwich beforehand and nothing during, but I'm positive they'll have cookies and expectant eyes. That's gonna force me to skip all food before and after. I'll have one or two cookies and some punch, and try to dance it off. It won't be the same without R, though, for sure.Thinspiration:
So, I've eaten a little more. Only about 60 cal.s though. Doesn't matter what it was. I'm still not upset with myself. All that's on my mind is R, and hoping he gets home soon so he can message me....if he even will. Haha, I bet I've lost a couple pounds of tears for him.
But oh! I got the scale to go down. 107 baby! You can even tell I'm lower than 110 on my Guess-Where-The-Pointer-Is-Pointing! scale. I'm soo happy! I'm just kind of scared of the doctor...but the whole reason I'm going in is because they think I have some kind of stomach issues. I can just say that I've felt like I'd puke anything I ate up, they'll believe that. I think that's not until Tuesday, though, and I don't want to put off losing weight for that long! I'll just keep going, but slower. Hopefully nothing bad happens.
I'm super excited about my new low weight!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
When we got home, I was all excited to try some of our fruits and low cal stuff but right as I was about to open a yogurt, I caught a glimpse at the clock-9:20. Wayy past 8, and even if it's only 50 cals, I don't wanna risk it, do I? Nope. So, tomorrow, if I'm hungry I'll have that for dinner. Oh boy!
I had a lot of guys check me out today. I felt pretty amazing. I don't want that to stop, I want to be the thin pretty girl forever. I mean, it would deffinately be easier to be normal-eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and just buy bigger sized jeans. Right? Well, I'm not a normal person. My mind is not normal, it's plagued. So why not take advantage of this plagued mind by using it to make me the beautiful thin one?
Well. R just broke up with me. Now, I feel like total shit. I can't believe this. I can't. I don't want this. I hate this. I hate this. I want him, all I want is him. I'd even eat like an obese person if it meant keeping him! I want him. He doesn't care. I didn't know I could hurt this much. No amount of hunger hurts this much.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Yesterday, I had my first You're-Too-Thin talk with my friend. She's crazy, though, and I don't believe a word she said. I know her well enough to know that she'll say that people said something even if they didnt say it, just to make her stories more persuasive. She said that alot of our friends are talking about me being "scary skinny", but I know I'm not scary skinny, and of the names she named she doesnt even talk to two of the girls. I deffinately let on to too much, though. I'm bad at secrets when I get confronted. Oh well. She won't do much.
I'm kinda excited for today!
I'm doing amazingly so far, but it's only 4:00, theres still a lot of time left in the day. Mom's making meatloaf for supper, but I'll be able to get around that with the not-feeling-good excuse, because they think I have some kind of stomach problem anyways.
Yeah, well, I successfully fasted today. No food for me! Mother's making meatloaf, but by the time it gets down here, I'll be in bed.
*Pats myself on the back*
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
I think I'm gonna test myself now by making the siblings some pizza.
My hands smell yummy from this lotion. :D
I had the crust of a pizza, and 100 cals of pineapple. I'm gonna say this was a good day.
I feel good.
I feel thin.
The scale is still pointing straight at 110, though. It's soo hard to get it past 110. I've never gotten much lower than 110 in the past, either. It's always stopped at 110, where I just gave up. I'm not giving up this time. I'm going to keep going until it goes down. I will do this. I will get below 110.
Fuck, I binged. Luckily it was already close to eight, so it wasn't that bad. Just as long as I don't eat so much that I get above 110 in one night. I can deal with being "around 110" until I get the strength to get below.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I haven't eaten anything else yet. I probably will, though. Hopefully not. My stomach feels as if it would just get rid of anything I put inside it anyways-as in, I feel really sick, if you didn't catch that.
Yeah, the stomach bug started feeling better, and I had alot of energy today! I'm still kind of hyped up. Around, like, 2 o'clock I was off my ass trying to find amazing things to do. I didn't eat much after this morning, possibly 20 cals worth of some kind of crap mom made for dinner. I told her I'd just eat the rest of the coffee cake, and went upstairs and threw it away :D I'm gonna call it an awesome day, even though it started off awfully.
Overall, I'd say this weekend was successful. Still have to weigh myself, but I'm not so excited about that. I don't think I'll have lost much. Maybe I just won't weigh myself until...I don't know, later, haha.
Tomorrow is school! The fruits are strawberries and bananas, yummm. I'm in a good mood, mostly because my size 1(u.s.) jeans fit alot better. They still aren't gorgeous, but getting there. It's always hard to get under 110 for me, though, so I just have to stay motivated.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
So, even when I feel like I'm getting thinner, and the scale says I've gotten thinner, and the tape measure says I'm getting thinner...my mirror pretty much says it's all a lie. I look bigger than before, and I know I'm not bloated. Why do I look bigger? And anyway, no one's really noticed that I'm shrinking. Then again, I've been wearing t-shirts because I think I'm getting bigger. Either way, though, I just want the mirror to stop contradicting everything else.
I'm not going to weigh myself until the weekend is over.
I'm about to get hungry-I think I'll go get a water now.
4 o'clock and I've been stretching the thing of yogurt throughout the day. There's about a third left in it, which I'm going to save until everyone's eating dinner. I have absolutely no energy today. I'll probably end up eating 80 calories of mandarin oranges, but that's not an issue yet. I have faith in myself at the moment. To go the whole day with 100 cals worth of yogurt would be preferable.
I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone today. I've just laid around alot and painted my nails..I'm even kind of glad that R hasn't been around at all, because I'd be boring and unresponsive to him for no reason. I hate being in this kind of mood, it makes it hard to be proud of myself when I should be. Maybe a mid-afternoon shower will help. If only I had the motivation to move myself out of this chair to get to the shower.
I made that one lone yogurt last an entire day! Nothing but a 100 cal yogurt, the whole day. And now my day is officially over, it's 8 o'clock. Finally! Tomorrow, I plan on having half a cup of pineapples. Yes, only half a cup. I hope I can do it. half a cup=70 cals, I can probably make it into 100 cals if need be.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
OMG, today was most deffinately a good day. I had at least five bottles of water, and only, like, 200 substantial calories. I am so proud of myself! I love this feeling. I want to bottle this feeling up and take it out when I want to binge!
This weekend should be easy, but I'm ready for the worst.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Chicken & Noodles
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It's 7 o'clock, and I'm procrastinating supper. I don't feel like it, food isn't one bit appealing right now. If I don't eat within an hour, though, I won't eat the rest of the night...right now I'm leaning towards not eating. I've been looking at thinspiration pictures for the past few hours.
"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed."
So, for today, 170 total calories.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
So, my friend bailed on the walk and we went to her house and ate. Ate as in a tiny slice of cake, a bunch of wheat thin crackers, a bunch of candy corn, and an apple. Go ahead and hate me now. I hate myself, too.
Her scale read 111.6 when I left. No more food for this fatty. I may not have gained much this time, but if there's a next time...well, you know. So, new goals:
My guess for today's calorie count is in the 5-700s, I have no idea, to be honest. I don't want to know, either. But that cake ruined me for sure. So disappointing, I'd been doing amazing up until this point. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to go under my goal of 250 cals.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Monday, November 30, 2009
So, they didn't even have apples for today's lunch. I ended up having about 80 calories worth of peaches and snacks throughout the whole school day. I’m going to have a yogurt for dinner again tonight, and whatever fruit there is tomorrow at lunch.
I hiked with some friends today, that deffinately burned everything I'd eaten so far! I'm not even going to put up a total calorie count for the day, because I've burned so much from three hours of going up and down hills etc. that I'm going to be in the hole even after another 80 cal yogurt.
Okay, I went to my friend's house until 8, and by the time I got home it was way past time to stop eating for the night, meaning not even a yogurt. All I've eaten was what happened at school. That leaves me at less than 80 calories for the day. Way less. Less than 0, even.
I need water, I am sooo parched right now! Very proud of myself though. I didn't even get a chance to weigh myself after today's hike and less-than-none calorie count. Looking forward to that..I'll probably wait and go to my friend's for a better reading.
Hoping tomorrow is as good, if not even better..but that's probably not even possible. I just can't let today get to my head. Apple tomorrow if they have it, if not then whatever fruit they have. I will do this.
Side note- I've noticed something. Not eating much makes me EXCITED for the next day to come, because I'm excited to be proud of myself. It gives me a reason to be happy and to live. Knowing I'm shrinking and actually sticking to something makes me want to keep doing it.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
My plan for the rest of the weekend:
Friday (Today): 100-250 cals
Sat. : 100-250 cals
Sun. : 100-170 cals
I'm so out of practice, but I know that when school starts again on Monday I'll have to eat lunch at least, to keep people from suspecting anything. I'll be able to get by with eating an apple for lunch most days, but sometimes I'll need to eat a little more. We'll start with apples, though, and take it from there.
I'll update more as the day ends.
It's now 8 PM, so the hours of eating are over.
I'm so proud of myself today. I ate a total of 160 calories, from two 80 cal. yogurts. I even cooked a whole pizza for my siblings and didn't eat a single bite, not even a string of cheese or a piece of fluffy crust. I stayed busy the whole day, and every time I thought I might go to the kitchen, I drank water.
I feel amazing!
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about it. Cake? Yes, please. Nothing made me gain, I stayed 120 for a long time. And I was okay with that. At 120, people didn't call me fat or thin, so I never really noticed. Everything was fine.
I don't know what changed. I don't know if it was watching glamourous celebrities on TV, or studying pictures in the magazines, or if there was even anything that triggered it. But at some point a year or so ago, I'm not sure exactly, 120 seemed like a really big number. Then again, I've never been good at math, so maybe 120 is really, really small.
At first, I was too scared to do anything about it but complain and wish I had the strength to force that number down. I kept telling myself that I could get it down by working out, or eating right. But I loved food, and I've always despised doing anything physical. I'd eat something, and run to the scale, and then eat more, and cry about it. I just couldn't give up the food.
I remember that not long after I realized how much of a cow I was, my family decided to take a vacation. We went down to Branson, MO, and thankfully we didn't have much money to eat out, except for once or twice. There was a sign at one of the places we ate at that said, "Vacation Calories don't count". My family embraced that concept, eating like they'd never seen food before. I sat back and let them eat, figuring they were eating more than enough for all of us. The whole vacation, they mostly ate sandwiches and things we'd brought from home. I don't particularly like sandwiches, so I ate crackers. With every ice cream I rejected, something inside of me would congratulate me. When we got back from Branson, the scale told me I was 115.
I guess that's when I really decided to do something. "115 may be better than 120, but 110 would be even better," I told myself.
I'd go a week or so with little food, then eat for a few weeks, then remember that I'm too fat and go a week without. I just couldn't seem to get lower than 115. Until recently, last month, I finally got to 110. I can't explain how amazing it felt. 110, no way! But it didn't last long. I started eating again, Ana's voice faded for a bit. I got too happy, because I'd gotten a boyfriend who made me happy, and I stopped listening to Ana. Now, I'm all the way back to 120.
But Ana is back. I realized that I'd strayed from the path to perfection, Ana's perfectly paved path. I want to see bones. Bones are beautiful, I want to be beautiful. They're strong, they're signs of perfection. Some day, I will look at the scale and it will be 110 again, and after that it will go down every time. I don't want it any other way.
I'm still with R, the boyfriend, but that's more reason to be thinner. I don't want him to have to be with an ugly, fat, disgusting creature. He deserves the best. I will be better for him.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Bring it on. Ana and I, we can take it.