Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm too busy to eat, Sugar Babe.

Today's the day I've been worried about. School starts in half an hour, lunch is at 12. Can I do it?

More later.


So, they didn't even have apples for today's lunch. I ended up having about 80 calories worth of peaches and snacks throughout the whole school day. I’m going to have a yogurt for dinner again tonight, and whatever fruit there is tomorrow at lunch.

I hiked with some friends today, that deffinately burned everything I'd eaten so far! I'm not even going to put up a total calorie count for the day, because I've burned so much from three hours of going up and down hills etc. that I'm going to be in the hole even after another 80 cal yogurt.

Okay, I went to my friend's house until 8, and by the time I got home it was way past time to stop eating for the night, meaning not even a yogurt. All I've eaten was what happened at school. That leaves me at less than 80 calories for the day. Way less. Less than 0, even.

I need water, I am sooo parched right now! Very proud of myself though. I didn't even get a chance to weigh myself after today's hike and less-than-none calorie count. Looking forward to that..I'll probably wait and go to my friend's for a better reading.

Hoping tomorrow is as good, if not even better..but that's probably not even possible. I just can't let today get to my head. Apple tomorrow if they have it, if not then whatever fruit they have. I will do this.

Side note- I've noticed something. Not eating much makes me EXCITED for the next day to come, because I'm excited to be proud of myself. It gives me a reason to be happy and to live. Knowing I'm shrinking and actually sticking to something makes me want to keep doing it.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Be Strong For Me, Honey.

I've eaten one 100 cal. yogurt so far, with a lot of wiggle room because I didn't eat all of it, so we'll call it 70. The plan is to go on that until everyone else decides to eat dinner, and then I'll eat part of another yogurt. Since I'm always either out of the house or in a different room than everyone else, no one really notices when I eat. They just accept that I've eaten when I say I have. I still make sure that they see me eat whenever I do decide to eat, so they can't say they've never seen me eat.

I go back to school tomorrow, so I don't want to eat much more today. I'm going to eat an apple for lunch and maybe something small for dinner to appease my mother tomorrow.

Today's thinspiration:

More later.


It's only 7 pm, so there's still an hour until I'm OFFICIALLY done eating, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to eat any more.

Today's calorie count was very impressive! I found an 80 cal. yogurt in the very back of the fridge (lucky!) and ate it while the rest of the family ate chicken and rice. They made me try the chicken first, so I nibbled on some. I also had a very small bite of cookie (almost a crumb). I'm just going to call that an extra 10 cals. See? 160! I'm very happy with myself.

I actually have faith in myself for the first time in a very long time. I think this blog has helped me, even though no one is following it (yet?). I'm not even thinking about food very much, actually. Only when it's in front of me or I'm writing about it. I'm pretty sure the rest of this week will contine being good.

I stepped onto my friend's scale again today. 111.0! I'm waiting for 110..105..100..97..93.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Don't Tell Me You Think Cellulite is Beautiful?

It's 9 in the morning right now, and yesterday's pride and determination have carried over to today. I'm super hungry already, though, which makes me a little scared for what might come. For now, I'm just going to look at the day with a positive edge. If I worked with a pizza and turned it down, I can make it through today by saying no. The bad part is, we're out of 80 cal yogurt, all we have is 100 cal now, which I guess isn't that bad if I do what I did yesterday and only eat two and call it a day. I'd just rather have 160 total cal.s instead of 200, but oh well. I'll probably end up eating something else today. Meaning, R wants me to make him cookies, and I'm not sure I'll be able to ignore cookie batter and cookies. Hopefully I'll be able to say no by thinking about how proud of myself I was with the pizza.

Today's thinspiration:

I'll write more as the day ends, again.
So, I ended up eating two of the 100 cal yogurts and snacking a little. I wouldn't have snacked if my friend hadn't been watching, but she was, so I had to. It was positively under 100 cal.s, but I'll round it to about 100 just for good measure. That makes 300 cal.s, 50 over my goal, but that's not too bad, especially considering how amazing I did yesterday. Tomorrow will be even better. I'm going to do this.
I looked at the scale today. My friend's scale says the number, but on mine I have to guess where the needle is. Her scale told me 112.2, I'm soo happy with that, but I wish it were lower. That's how it's going to be forever, though, might as well get used to it.
It's 7:30 pm, in half an hour I'll be officially done eating. I'm going to have to deny mother's meatloaf soon. I've been gone all day, so she'll believe that I've eaten.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Friday, November 27, 2009

No Thanks, I'm Full.

I've been eating around 500 cals for three days so far, and for three days so far I've avoided the scale completely. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I expected, I did eat too much, I admit, but it wasn't an uncrontrollable amount. That was yesterday; it's only 10 in the morning right now, and so far I'm determined and looking at things positively. If I can just be strong, I'll be able to eat around 100-250 cals.

My plan for the rest of the weekend:
Friday (Today): 100-250 cals
Sat. : 100-250 cals
Sun. : 100-170 cals

I'm so out of practice, but I know that when school starts again on Monday I'll have to eat lunch at least, to keep people from suspecting anything. I'll be able to get by with eating an apple for lunch most days, but sometimes I'll need to eat a little more. We'll start with apples, though, and take it from there.

Today's thinspiration:
I'll update more as the day ends.


It's now 8 PM, so the hours of eating are over.

I'm so proud of myself today. I ate a total of 160 calories, from two 80 cal. yogurts. I even cooked a whole pizza for my siblings and didn't eat a single bite, not even a string of cheese or a piece of fluffy crust. I stayed busy the whole day, and every time I thought I might go to the kitchen, I drank water.

I feel amazing!

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It's me and you, babe.

No one ever loves me for very long.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about it. Cake? Yes, please. Nothing made me gain, I stayed 120 for a long time. And I was okay with that. At 120, people didn't call me fat or thin, so I never really noticed. Everything was fine.

I don't know what changed. I don't know if it was watching glamourous celebrities on TV, or studying pictures in the magazines, or if there was even anything that triggered it. But at some point a year or so ago, I'm not sure exactly, 120 seemed like a really big number. Then again, I've never been good at math, so maybe 120 is really, really small.

At first, I was too scared to do anything about it but complain and wish I had the strength to force that number down. I kept telling myself that I could get it down by working out, or eating right. But I loved food, and I've always despised doing anything physical. I'd eat something, and run to the scale, and then eat more, and cry about it. I just couldn't give up the food.

I remember that not long after I realized how much of a cow I was, my family decided to take a vacation. We went down to Branson, MO, and thankfully we didn't have much money to eat out, except for once or twice. There was a sign at one of the places we ate at that said, "Vacation Calories don't count". My family embraced that concept, eating like they'd never seen food before. I sat back and let them eat, figuring they were eating more than enough for all of us. The whole vacation, they mostly ate sandwiches and things we'd brought from home. I don't particularly like sandwiches, so I ate crackers. With every ice cream I rejected, something inside of me would congratulate me. When we got back from Branson, the scale told me I was 115.

I guess that's when I really decided to do something. "115 may be better than 120, but 110 would be even better," I told myself.

I'd go a week or so with little food, then eat for a few weeks, then remember that I'm too fat and go a week without. I just couldn't seem to get lower than 115. Until recently, last month, I finally got to 110. I can't explain how amazing it felt. 110, no way! But it didn't last long. I started eating again, Ana's voice faded for a bit. I got too happy, because I'd gotten a boyfriend who made me happy, and I stopped listening to Ana. Now, I'm all the way back to 120.

But Ana is back. I realized that I'd strayed from the path to perfection, Ana's perfectly paved path. I want to see bones. Bones are beautiful, I want to be beautiful. They're strong, they're signs of perfection. Some day, I will look at the scale and it will be 110 again, and after that it will go down every time. I don't want it any other way.

I'm still with R, the boyfriend, but that's more reason to be thinner. I don't want him to have to be with an ugly, fat, disgusting creature. He deserves the best. I will be better for him.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Bring it on. Ana and I, we can take it.