Monday, November 30, 2009
So, they didn't even have apples for today's lunch. I ended up having about 80 calories worth of peaches and snacks throughout the whole school day. I’m going to have a yogurt for dinner again tonight, and whatever fruit there is tomorrow at lunch.
I hiked with some friends today, that deffinately burned everything I'd eaten so far! I'm not even going to put up a total calorie count for the day, because I've burned so much from three hours of going up and down hills etc. that I'm going to be in the hole even after another 80 cal yogurt.
Okay, I went to my friend's house until 8, and by the time I got home it was way past time to stop eating for the night, meaning not even a yogurt. All I've eaten was what happened at school. That leaves me at less than 80 calories for the day. Way less. Less than 0, even.
I need water, I am sooo parched right now! Very proud of myself though. I didn't even get a chance to weigh myself after today's hike and less-than-none calorie count. Looking forward to that..I'll probably wait and go to my friend's for a better reading.
Hoping tomorrow is as good, if not even better..but that's probably not even possible. I just can't let today get to my head. Apple tomorrow if they have it, if not then whatever fruit they have. I will do this.
Side note- I've noticed something. Not eating much makes me EXCITED for the next day to come, because I'm excited to be proud of myself. It gives me a reason to be happy and to live. Knowing I'm shrinking and actually sticking to something makes me want to keep doing it.
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
My plan for the rest of the weekend:
Friday (Today): 100-250 cals
Sat. : 100-250 cals
Sun. : 100-170 cals
I'm so out of practice, but I know that when school starts again on Monday I'll have to eat lunch at least, to keep people from suspecting anything. I'll be able to get by with eating an apple for lunch most days, but sometimes I'll need to eat a little more. We'll start with apples, though, and take it from there.
I'll update more as the day ends.
It's now 8 PM, so the hours of eating are over.
I'm so proud of myself today. I ate a total of 160 calories, from two 80 cal. yogurts. I even cooked a whole pizza for my siblings and didn't eat a single bite, not even a string of cheese or a piece of fluffy crust. I stayed busy the whole day, and every time I thought I might go to the kitchen, I drank water.
I feel amazing!
Hugs & Butterfly Kisses
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about it. Cake? Yes, please. Nothing made me gain, I stayed 120 for a long time. And I was okay with that. At 120, people didn't call me fat or thin, so I never really noticed. Everything was fine.
I don't know what changed. I don't know if it was watching glamourous celebrities on TV, or studying pictures in the magazines, or if there was even anything that triggered it. But at some point a year or so ago, I'm not sure exactly, 120 seemed like a really big number. Then again, I've never been good at math, so maybe 120 is really, really small.
At first, I was too scared to do anything about it but complain and wish I had the strength to force that number down. I kept telling myself that I could get it down by working out, or eating right. But I loved food, and I've always despised doing anything physical. I'd eat something, and run to the scale, and then eat more, and cry about it. I just couldn't give up the food.
I remember that not long after I realized how much of a cow I was, my family decided to take a vacation. We went down to Branson, MO, and thankfully we didn't have much money to eat out, except for once or twice. There was a sign at one of the places we ate at that said, "Vacation Calories don't count". My family embraced that concept, eating like they'd never seen food before. I sat back and let them eat, figuring they were eating more than enough for all of us. The whole vacation, they mostly ate sandwiches and things we'd brought from home. I don't particularly like sandwiches, so I ate crackers. With every ice cream I rejected, something inside of me would congratulate me. When we got back from Branson, the scale told me I was 115.
I guess that's when I really decided to do something. "115 may be better than 120, but 110 would be even better," I told myself.
I'd go a week or so with little food, then eat for a few weeks, then remember that I'm too fat and go a week without. I just couldn't seem to get lower than 115. Until recently, last month, I finally got to 110. I can't explain how amazing it felt. 110, no way! But it didn't last long. I started eating again, Ana's voice faded for a bit. I got too happy, because I'd gotten a boyfriend who made me happy, and I stopped listening to Ana. Now, I'm all the way back to 120.
But Ana is back. I realized that I'd strayed from the path to perfection, Ana's perfectly paved path. I want to see bones. Bones are beautiful, I want to be beautiful. They're strong, they're signs of perfection. Some day, I will look at the scale and it will be 110 again, and after that it will go down every time. I don't want it any other way.
I'm still with R, the boyfriend, but that's more reason to be thinner. I don't want him to have to be with an ugly, fat, disgusting creature. He deserves the best. I will be better for him.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Bring it on. Ana and I, we can take it.