Thursday, April 15, 2010

Texting buddy, please?

I have a phone now. :D

I really want someone to talk to who understands. I'll help you as much as I can, and you can listen to me rant a little bit. In the summer I might need even more help, because I won't have people shoving food down my throat, but for now I want to just be able to stay connected and not lose hope or focus.

Message me at and I'll tell you my number, or we can just email back and forth.

Summer can't come fast enough.

I keep eating for them, they keep making me eat, I don't want this, I don't I don't I don't. I'm sick of it. I'm sickkkk of it, I don't want this any more. I never did. Stop making me eat, stop checking up on me. Stop, stop, stop!!!

I'm so depressed all the time. I can't be beautiful if they keep forcing me to be like everyone else. I'm still "thin" by their standards, and I know I'm not obesely fat or anything. I have no idea what I weigh. I don't wanna know. I want this all to stop. I want the summer to come NOW.

When summer gets here, I'll be gone too much for them to make me eat. I'm doing a decent job of acting like it doesnt bother me, so maybe they'll even trust me by then. R is going to be gone for a month in the summer. When he comes back, I swear I'll be beautiful for him.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Woot woot

So, today is the last day of spring break. I've done amazing all week! I'm proud of myself. I've discovered that half a slice of 60 cal cheese and crustless 45 cal bread makes a delicious feast. So does a meatless 70 cal burger and a tablespoon of 15 cal ketchup, or half a package of 160 cal oatmeal and 15 cal brown sugar. I've lost a decent amount, seven pounds or so, in one week. Of course, there's also the workout R gives me. :D

Back to school tomorrow. Lunch is hard, because everyone's watching and to be quite honest they can tell by now. It's hard to have eyes on you every time you eat, but I'll be fine.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Fleeting Glances

Today is the first day of spring break!

I've got the entire week (almost) filled up, away from this wretched house of watchful eyes. I won't eat a bite outside of this house.

The most exciting part of my week is going to be tomorrow and the day after. I'm staying the night at R's house. My parents don't know this. They're strict and I'm 'too young', so to them I'm staying at my friend's house.

The thing with R is, he basically knows about my ED. He trys to make me eat...he knows that if he tried hard enough, he'd be able to make me eat easily, but he doesn't want to see me upset so he doesn't force me. I love him.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Follow me on Tumblr, please.

It's my Ana account, not my personal one. If you want to find my personal one, message me.

It'll mostly be thinsp pictures and some inspiration quotes, I don't plan on putting much about my ED, especially not right now, what with my current situation and all.


Friday, March 5, 2010


I don't know how to spell FAILURE any other way.

My family decided it was time to, um, "save me".

They said they know what I'm doing and have to put a stop to it. That means that they decided I have to eat whenever they eat, and one of them have to make my plate and make sure I eat it all. They said that they'd only put what they would eat themselves, but I noticed every extra bite.

It's been a few months of that.

There are three more months until summer break. During summer, I'll be out of the house so often that they won't notice when I do (or don't) eat. I just have to make it until then, that's the hard part. I don't know how I'm going to, because I just want to cry every time I look down at my thighs in this chair, or my stomach when I change, or a mirror. When I go to my boyfriend's (meaning R, still :D) I'm too self conscious to do anything that doesnt involve clothes.

I hate this so much.

I didn't write because I've been so scared.

Last time I checked the scale, I was at 120. That was so long ago, and I know for sure I've gained more than that because I can put my jeans on and KNOW. Nothing fits any more. I hate this, so so much.
Support, please? I think I'm dying.

I'm trying to just stay positive by thinking about how gorgeous I'll look by the end of summer.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sorrrry for the late late late update.

Alllll righttt.
I haven't had a computer to update with, and I don't have long to use this one today...but to sum things up, I've kept to the first four days on my ABC. Tomorrow is a 500 day. I'm not scared, but we're going to Chilli's for supper, which means I'll probably fast until then so that I can eat with everyone not freaking out. I'm looking for the calorie counts online right now.

After tomorrow is my first fast. Easy, I hope. I believe in myself. I have to.

I put on my swimsuit for the first time in ever. I wore it around the house all day. My family looked at me strange, but I loved it because every mirror I passed smiled at me. I can't wait for summer. I hope I either have this body or a smaller one by summertime.

Anyway. Stay strong, ladies.

Monday, January 4, 2010

ABC. *Scared face*

I'm gonna be doing an ABC....details below.

I need support. I hate asking for help, but I know I need it. If you want to talk, email me at Please want to talk...haha. I'll be getting texting soon, and that'll make things wayy easier.

  1. 100 calories
  2. 200 calories
  3. 300 calories
  4. 400 calories
  5. 500 calories
  6. fast
  7. 150 calories
  8. 200 calories
  9. 400 calories
  10. 350 calories
  11. 250 calories
  12. 200 calories
  13. fast
  14. 200 calories
  15. 100 calories
  16. fast
  17. 300 calories
  18. 250 calories
  19. 200 calories
  20. 150 calories
  21. 100 calories
  22. 50 calories
  23. 100 calories
  24. 200 calories
  25. 200 calories
  26. 300 calories
  27. 800
  28. fast
  29. 250 calories
  30. 350 calories
  31. 450 calories
  32. fast
  33. 500 calories
  34. 450 calories
  35. 400 calories
  36. 350 calories
  37. 300 calories
  38. 250 calories
  39. 200 calories
  40. 200 calories
  41. 250 calories
  42. 200 calories
  43. 300 calories
  44. 200 calories
  45. 150 calories
  46. fast

Yeah, it's edited a bit. I wanna stay on track with "O.G." while she does it, too. I'll probably add the days I missed to the end...I hope I'm not cheating...?

Today was AWFUL. I ate a whole shitload. But we won't get into that...because I'm reading about the success of ABC and it sounds really promising. Tomorrow is a 100 day, so I guess I'll skip everything until dinner and have a yogurt. If that doesn't work...we'll figure something out.

I'm tired of giving up. I never finish anything. I want to see this through. I want to be thin, and be able to say it wasn't just luck, it was something I did, that I finally did something. I want to do something.

That's why I'm not...absolutely NOT...letting myself get away with any cheating. I let myself to do many things. Cheating on Ana will not be one of them.

Anyway, thanks.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Take your pie and shove it.

So, at the moment I'm at about 111 pounds. That's 4 pounds more than my lowest, which was only a few weeks ago. But it's also 4 pounds less than I was just last week.

I just asked a fellow blogger if I could join her in her ABC. I have no idea what I'm getting into, to be honest. I've never done one before. Sometimes I can hardly make it through a week with little food, so I don't know how good of an idea this is. But I'm sure that if it doesn't work out too well she'll understand. I'll hate myself forever, but it's not like I'll die. I'm just going to have to try to keep a positive outlook.

My mother made a whole bunch of baked goods. I hate when she cooks. She normally can't cook at all, but when she does she goes crazy. We have brownies out the butt. (Exaggeration..) Anyway though, I'll try to stay out of them.

I've had about 400 calories today. All right.

Well I'm off.