I love you, darling.

I'm going to be home alone most of today, so not eating will be easy. When the rest of the family gets home, I'll be able to get by with eating the last 100 cal yogurt for dinner and saying that I had a sandwich for lunch..even though I didn't. Yogurt is all I plan on eating today.

So, even when I feel like I'm getting thinner, and the scale says I've gotten thinner, and the tape measure says I'm getting thinner...my mirror pretty much says it's all a lie. I look bigger than before, and I know I'm not bloated. Why do I look bigger? And anyway, no one's really noticed that I'm shrinking. Then again, I've been wearing t-shirts because I think I'm getting bigger. Either way, though, I just want the mirror to stop contradicting everything else.

I'm not going to weigh myself until the weekend is over.

Thinspiration:
I'm about to get hungry-I think I'll go get a water now.

More later.
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4 o'clock and I've been stretching the thing of yogurt throughout the day. There's about a third left in it, which I'm going to save until everyone's eating dinner. I have absolutely no energy today. I'll probably end up eating 80 calories of mandarin oranges, but that's not an issue yet. I have faith in myself at the moment. To go the whole day with 100 cals worth of yogurt would be preferable.

I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone today. I've just laid around alot and painted my nails..I'm even kind of glad that R hasn't been around at all, because I'd be boring and unresponsive to him for no reason. I hate being in this kind of mood, it makes it hard to be proud of myself when I should be. Maybe a mid-afternoon shower will help. If only I had the motivation to move myself out of this chair to get to the shower.

Sigh.

More later.
-------------------------

I made that one lone yogurt last an entire day! Nothing but a 100 cal yogurt, the whole day. And now my day is officially over, it's 8 o'clock. Finally! Tomorrow, I plan on having half a cup of pineapples. Yes, only half a cup. I hope I can do it. half a cup=70 cals, I can probably make it into 100 cals if need be.

Spit That Out, Baby Girl.

I've had about 230 calories so far today. I don't feel like eating any more, so it'll probably stop there.

The lunch being served at school tomorrow includes:

Chicken & Noodles
Mashed Potatoes
Mixed Vegetables
Sliced Peaches
Hot Biscuit
Milk

But I'm only going to eat the sliced peaches. Normally half a cup is 70 cals, so I'll be pretty good in that department.

I'm excited for the weekend, because it's always easier to stay away from the food demon on weekends. The only time I have real trouble is when people put food in front of me; avoiding it is easy. No one puts food in front of me on weekends, so I just have to avoid it.

Boring post today, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I'm gonna go look at some thinspo for a while.

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Well, crap. Mother's making spaghetti-a.k.a, the only food they'd be suspicious of if I skipped. I don't know how to get around this...

I ate. I couldnt get around it. In my family, if you pass up spagehetti, something is wrong and everyone will chew you out. I don't know why, don't ask. I tried to get away with being sick, I tried that I'm not hungry. But they didn't buy it. I ate. I fucking ate. Mom's spaghetti is NOT low-cal, either. I'm guessing that makes today a 500-700 cal day. Shit.

Tomorrow, I HAVE to do good.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, Deary, You'll be Just Fine.

School in ten minutes. Deep breaths. After yesterday's regrettable binge, I have to get back on track. I barely thought about food the rest of the night yesterday. Today I have to remember, no food. As little as possible, at least.

------------------

Two small apples for lunch. I was going to stop with one, but the Mac&Cheese and buttered rolls were calling out to me, and I decided an extra apple would be much better. 170 cals for the school day, and I'm not planning on eating much more today. Possibly a 70 cal half cup of peaches for dinner.

Thinspiration:

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It's 7 o'clock, and I'm procrastinating supper. I don't feel like it, food isn't one bit appealing right now. If I don't eat within an hour, though, I won't eat the rest of the night...right now I'm leaning towards not eating. I've been looking at thinspiration pictures for the past few hours.

"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed."

So, for today, 170 total calories.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Oh, don't tell me you really did that?

Today's been okay. I had about 70 cals at school lunch of peaches, didn't snack the whole day. Then I got home and immediately went to the fridge, a bad habit that has stayed with me from when I used to eat "normaly". I pulled out an open yogurt and ate about 50 cals of it. I felt a total binge coming on, so I walked out of the kitchen, but I walked right back in. I decided that I might as well give myself something low-cal just to shut up the fat girl in my mind. I had a 100 cal granola bar. 220 cals, and it's not even six o'clock yet. I'm going to eat half a 100 cal yogurt or less for dinner-that is, if any parents are home. If we're on our own for dinner, nothing. Also, I'm going on a walk with my friend, we'll be out for a while. Hopefully that will do some helpful damage.

More later.
-----------------------
So, my friend bailed on the walk and we went to her house and ate. Ate as in a tiny slice of cake, a bunch of wheat thin crackers, a bunch of candy corn, and an apple. Go ahead and hate me now. I hate myself, too.

Her scale read 111.6 when I left. No more food for this fatty. I may not have gained much this time, but if there's a next time...well, you know. So, new goals:

Wednesday: 250
Thursday: 250
Friday: 200
Saturday: 200
Sunday: 170

My guess for today's calorie count is in the 5-700s, I have no idea, to be honest. I don't want to know, either. But that cake ruined me for sure. So disappointing, I'd been doing amazing up until this point. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to go under my goal of 250 cals.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Be Strong For Me, Honey.

I've eaten one 100 cal. yogurt so far, with a lot of wiggle room because I didn't eat all of it, so we'll call it 70. The plan is to go on that until everyone else decides to eat dinner, and then I'll eat part of another yogurt. Since I'm always either out of the house or in a different room than everyone else, no one really notices when I eat. They just accept that I've eaten when I say I have. I still make sure that they see me eat whenever I do decide to eat, so they can't say they've never seen me eat.

I go back to school tomorrow, so I don't want to eat much more today. I'm going to eat an apple for lunch and maybe something small for dinner to appease my mother tomorrow.

Today's thinspiration:

More later.

---------------------------

It's only 7 pm, so there's still an hour until I'm OFFICIALLY done eating, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to eat any more.

Today's calorie count was very impressive! I found an 80 cal. yogurt in the very back of the fridge (lucky!) and ate it while the rest of the family ate chicken and rice. They made me try the chicken first, so I nibbled on some. I also had a very small bite of cookie (almost a crumb). I'm just going to call that an extra 10 cals. See? 160! I'm very happy with myself.

I actually have faith in myself for the first time in a very long time. I think this blog has helped me, even though no one is following it (yet?). I'm not even thinking about food very much, actually. Only when it's in front of me or I'm writing about it. I'm pretty sure the rest of this week will contine being good.

I stepped onto my friend's scale again today. 111.0! I'm waiting for 110..105..100..97..93.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

Don't Tell Me You Think Cellulite is Beautiful?

It's 9 in the morning right now, and yesterday's pride and determination have carried over to today. I'm super hungry already, though, which makes me a little scared for what might come. For now, I'm just going to look at the day with a positive edge. If I worked with a pizza and turned it down, I can make it through today by saying no. The bad part is, we're out of 80 cal yogurt, all we have is 100 cal now, which I guess isn't that bad if I do what I did yesterday and only eat two and call it a day. I'd just rather have 160 total cal.s instead of 200, but oh well. I'll probably end up eating something else today. Meaning, R wants me to make him cookies, and I'm not sure I'll be able to ignore cookie batter and cookies. Hopefully I'll be able to say no by thinking about how proud of myself I was with the pizza.

Today's thinspiration:

I'll write more as the day ends, again.

-----------------------------

So, I ended up eating two of the 100 cal yogurts and snacking a little. I wouldn't have snacked if my friend hadn't been watching, but she was, so I had to. It was positively under 100 cal.s, but I'll round it to about 100 just for good measure. That makes 300 cal.s, 50 over my goal, but that's not too bad, especially considering how amazing I did yesterday. Tomorrow will be even better. I'm going to do this.

I looked at the scale today. My friend's scale says the number, but on mine I have to guess where the needle is. Her scale told me 112.2, I'm soo happy with that, but I wish it were lower. That's how it's going to be forever, though, might as well get used to it.

It's 7:30 pm, in half an hour I'll be officially done eating. I'm going to have to deny mother's meatloaf soon. I've been gone all day, so she'll believe that I've eaten.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

No Thanks, I'm Full.

I've been eating around 500 cals for three days so far, and for three days so far I've avoided the scale completely. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I expected, I did eat too much, I admit, but it wasn't an uncrontrollable amount. That was yesterday; it's only 10 in the morning right now, and so far I'm determined and looking at things positively. If I can just be strong, I'll be able to eat around 100-250 cals.

My plan for the rest of the weekend:
Friday (Today): 100-250 cals
Sat. : 100-250 cals
Sun. : 100-170 cals

I'm so out of practice, but I know that when school starts again on Monday I'll have to eat lunch at least, to keep people from suspecting anything. I'll be able to get by with eating an apple for lunch most days, but sometimes I'll need to eat a little more. We'll start with apples, though, and take it from there.


Today's thinspiration:
I'll update more as the day ends.

--------------------------------

It's now 8 PM, so the hours of eating are over.

I'm so proud of myself today. I ate a total of 160 calories, from two 80 cal. yogurts. I even cooked a whole pizza for my siblings and didn't eat a single bite, not even a string of cheese or a piece of fluffy crust. I stayed busy the whole day, and every time I thought I might go to the kitchen, I drank water.

I feel amazing!

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses

It's me and you, babe.

No one ever loves me for very long.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about it. Cake? Yes, please. Nothing made me gain, I stayed 120 for a long time. And I was okay with that. At 120, people didn't call me fat or thin, so I never really noticed. Everything was fine.

I don't know what changed. I don't know if it was watching glamourous celebrities on TV, or studying pictures in the magazines, or if there was even anything that triggered it. But at some point a year or so ago, I'm not sure exactly, 120 seemed like a really big number. Then again, I've never been good at math, so maybe 120 is really, really small.

At first, I was too scared to do anything about it but complain and wish I had the strength to force that number down. I kept telling myself that I could get it down by working out, or eating right. But I loved food, and I've always despised doing anything physical. I'd eat something, and run to the scale, and then eat more, and cry about it. I just couldn't give up the food.

I remember that not long after I realized how much of a cow I was, my family decided to take a vacation. We went down to Branson, MO, and thankfully we didn't have much money to eat out, except for once or twice. There was a sign at one of the places we ate at that said, "Vacation Calories don't count". My family embraced that concept, eating like they'd never seen food before. I sat back and let them eat, figuring they were eating more than enough for all of us. The whole vacation, they mostly ate sandwiches and things we'd brought from home. I don't particularly like sandwiches, so I ate crackers. With every ice cream I rejected, something inside of me would congratulate me. When we got back from Branson, the scale told me I was 115.

I guess that's when I really decided to do something. "115 may be better than 120, but 110 would be even better," I told myself.

I'd go a week or so with little food, then eat for a few weeks, then remember that I'm too fat and go a week without. I just couldn't seem to get lower than 115. Until recently, last month, I finally got to 110. I can't explain how amazing it felt. 110, no way! But it didn't last long. I started eating again, Ana's voice faded for a bit. I got too happy, because I'd gotten a boyfriend who made me happy, and I stopped listening to Ana. Now, I'm all the way back to 120.

But Ana is back. I realized that I'd strayed from the path to perfection, Ana's perfectly paved path. I want to see bones. Bones are beautiful, I want to be beautiful. They're strong, they're signs of perfection. Some day, I will look at the scale and it will be 110 again, and after that it will go down every time. I don't want it any other way.

I'm still with R, the boyfriend, but that's more reason to be thinner. I don't want him to have to be with an ugly, fat, disgusting creature. He deserves the best. I will be better for him.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Bring it on. Ana and I, we can take it.