Monday, December 21, 2009

I'm hiding my face in shame once again.

I have totaly, completely screwed up.

I went on a freakin' week-long binge. For a fucking week, I ate "normal". Everything that went into my mouth was accompanied by the thought, "Maybe I just wasn't meant to be skinny. Who cares?" or something to that point.

I'm thinking it has to do with the drastic changes in my life. Whenever something big happens to me, my eating habits change. They'll be E.D., then something will happen and they'll be normal,
then something happens and they're E.D. again.
Either way, my mantra has always been "Every mistake can be fixed." I plan on sticking to that, especially this time. I somehow only went up to 115, which is about 8 lbs. Eight pounds in a week! Anyway, it's a lot better than 120.

I can't believe I let myself go again. I've never been closer than I was a few weeks ago. I got down to 107! I was thin! I didn't totally hate the mirror. I still hated it, but less. My pair of thinspiration jeans fit! Now? Not so much. Not at all, actually. Some of my actual jeans don't fit, either. I'm so ashamed.

So for the past two days I've been struggling to quiet down the fat girl inside of me. I woke up today and looked skinny, then had some chips and was back to being bloated. (I've been bloated since the first day I decided to fuck everything up.) The suckiest part is, Christmas is soon. I only have four days until Christmas, and Christmas equals food. A lot of food, and a lot of family.

I would say that I'm going to try to fast for all four days, because I used to be able to do that, but I know my body and I know this wouldn't be a very good time to do that. I think I'm just going to try to stay under 300 calories. It's going to be difficult.
I could really use someone to lean on. I haven't got a single person to talk to. I have this blog..but telling about things is different than being helped through them. I can't wait to get texting so that I can have an ana texting buddy. I should have texting soon.

On Christmas, my cousin will be coming down. That's good and bad. She's super, super thin-size one jeans are baggy on her. I hate being near her because I start hating myself. She's winning the battle against food and fat, while I'm losing. I get self-conscious around her. But seeing her is inspiration. And I know that she's thin because of the same reasons I am. Her mother is always talking about how she doesn't eat. This year, though, she's pregnant and eating everything in sight-she was still thin on Thanksgiving (she was preggo then, too), but it's been a while since then...will I finally be thinner than her? I don't have a chance.
The thinspiration today is real people.

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